2016年12月27日 星期二

跟你在一起,你我也好受傷

坦白說,我是有愛過的。

只是你的自大,總讓我覺得很不適合,也許你需要的是一個小女生,我的世界太大了,我也不想因為你而變小。雖然我最害怕一個人,但與其你傷我傷你,倒不如放手,我不想成為與你相近的人。

最後最後,九個月,我嘗試去好好愛你,但我覺得,我還是沒得到我想要的,那還有什麼意思。

2016年10月20日 星期四

Lesson taught by the Past


I was often worried that I held onto the habit of Mister too much.

Truth is, after I started to 'move forward' with Doctor especially, the more I understand how I have never actually let the past governed myself. I didn't regret any moment or time that I have spent with Mister and I still look forward to more. Realizing that this is not a 'mistake' I made feels terrible but enlightening.

You see, I am not writing this to judge myself, whether if having a married lover is right or wrong, wise or stupid. I am here to reflect yourself.

Being alone could be sad sometimes. I cried less often because I couldn't with the presence of Doctor, but it doesn't mean this is any better than without him.

Don't be scared. Be brave.

2016年10月19日 星期三

It's been 4 years.

有些人只說不做,有些人做了不多說。如果Doctor是前者,Mister便是後者。

時間過去,我跟Doctor穩定下來才發現,任誰也沒法填滿我空了一塊的心。我很想很想可以跟Mister在一起,也覺得我們是最適合。無論將來我要舍棄多少,都可以的。

這樣的決心真的很可怕,人愈大,發現像他這樣的人原來是非常難得,所以覺得值得。


2016年8月14日 星期日

Back to Jersey

Went on holiday with Mister... It's always so hard to say goodbye when we are parting our ways.

I felt like I am falling in love with him, over and over again. I mean how could you not love a person like him? From head to toe, he has his own charm and there are qualities in him that I valued so so much. 

And these are the things that I can hold onto forever. I could do so much for him, just because I know he deserved it. They think I'm young, but they don't know about the other things that have been going on. I know this will not be forever, I will have to leave Mister one day. Just that at this point, I am not ready yet and I can't do it. I just couldn't.

Mister was saying, 'Might be just another year, next year you will be ready for something else, something more exciting. UCL or the state, wherever you want to go.'. But you see, I couldn't even stand the thought of thinking not having him in my life. Mister is part of me, and always will be. All the things I have been doing is to prepare myself to leave him, but how come it's just making me understand how irreplaceable he is.

'I love you more than you think. Just don't leave me when I'm not ready yet.' This sentence was always in my mind, I wasn't brave enough to say it. When I actually said it last night, it's a great relief, because it's Mister, because I trust him, because I give myself to him, because I surrender. I am all his.

'I will never leave you.', he said.

You see, this is all I needed. A reassurance, even if it may not be true, but that is all I needed right now.

On the other hand, I knew I could never love Doctor like this. He is just there, he is nice to me. He makes me feel less lonely. But that's all. I just couldn't see the good in him.

Should I just leave it? I mean what's the point? Should I just indulge myself in my loneliness until Mister's next visit?...


2016年7月29日 星期五

It's OVER


I broke up with Doctor, sort of.

I believe a person can change his habits/behavior, but there are some personality traits that can't be changed, and they are the things which make you who you really are. For Doctor, his self-centered trait is the main thing killing this relationship. It's all about him at the end of the day.

As if he is only treating me nicely because he wants me to give him something back. Even though he claimed he doesn't expect anything, he is just not the kind of person who has the true kindness that I admired from Mister.

Sometimes I wonder how come I can't see the good in him, perhaps he can't either. I wish there is something else I can hold onto when we are having a bad moment, apart from he can be really nice to me, even just a small one. He is wrong about me giving up easily, I don't. During my relationship with Mister, I had harder and more reasons to give up, but I didn't, because I can always think of many, many reasons that he has to be part of my life. Because of Mister, I became someone I can never imagined myself to be. He is one of the few people who can see the good in me.

All these are pretty overwhelming right now. Thoughts and memories from the past that criss-crossing with each other.

Another thing is Doctor is so full of shits. He can never admit that he doesn't know everything, and he could be wrong. Argh, but I don't care now...


All I need is sleep. If anyone tells you that sleep can't make you feel better, you are not having enough sleep.

2016年7月24日 星期日

情人剖白

在尋找真愛的途中,不免有一方會想進行自已內心某部分的剖白。

要處理得好並不容易,剖白的原因,不過是想被理解,被包容或者,被原諒。

Doctor昨晚很難得地跟我說了他的一段過去,一直未被原諒的過去。我並不肯定他的motives是什麼,是想被原諒,還是想激起我的同情心,重點是我的心的確被觸動。人可以自私,但做了傷害別人的事,那後果是會跟你一輩子的。我不想變成他那樣。

最後他抱著我,我想了想,有感而發說,至少你還會感到抱歉,那已經夠了;若然你該抱歉的時候並感受不到抱歉,那才是真正的悲哀。但是,這都不重要了,都已經過去了。所以,我還是覺得,對於別人的過去,我不需要去妒忌,畢竟一切一切都是"前人種樹,後人掩蔭",我尊重每個人的過去。

2016年6月26日 星期日

Influation

For the first time ever, I actually don't want to lose him.

Well-played.


But at the end of the day, does it matter? It will go away at some point, when he makes you so angry.

I miss the time when I can put all in and still not looking back. I miss the time when I actually love someone deeply.

2016年6月13日 星期一

然後過了這麼久,
我還是會在深夜想起你。

對的,你過得好不好?

那時候的我,
根本不是你的對手。
我真正的脆弱,
只有你一個人見過。

也許,以後就只有你一個人了。



2016年5月22日 星期日

致命傷

是的。
我們每個人都是獨一無二,
我不會去否定你的獨特,
只是到最後你得學會自已其實也沒有那麼特別。

很多愛情的死因,
不外乎過份的自信。

因為我覺得我夠特別,
所以我一定能夠改變你的,
我是上天派來拯救你的啊。
畢竟你是這樣跟我說的。

因為我夠特別,
就算是失去所有,
我也必須得到你。
畢竟已經付出了這麼多了。

因為我夠特別,
你肯定是真心喜歡我的,
就算是聽過的套路也不是套路。
畢竟我是跟他們不一樣的。

因為我夠特別,


因為我夠特別,
我最後發現最最最懂我的人,還是自已。
其實任誰的眼中,
我也沒有我以為的特別。

再特別的特別,只有那一刻你知道就好了,有些事不必利用,放在心中其實真的會更好。



2016年5月20日 星期五

That just because a relationship ends does not mean it is not a success.

Humans have tried so hard to shove the idea of love into a one-size-fits-all box, even though no one can hammer down a simple definition for the word. We want a world in which there are rules and answers, because such a world implies a kind of safety. Historically, though, nothing has ever really stayed the same, especially in terms of love. Aside from financing the entire romantic comedy industry, maintaining the notion that people are designed to only love one person at a time has led to outrageous lies, rampant divorce, and even severe violence. How is that serving anyone?

2016年5月10日 星期二

Modafinil, Paris and New boyfriend

I've been taking Modafinil for 4 days now. I don't know if it's the placebo effect, but I can feel I am working much more effective than I was. The only downside I would say is you have to be very careful with the dose, and the timing for its half-life, because I can see my sleeping being disrupted easily by this if not time right.

Flying off to Paris with Mister. Haven't seen him for a month. 

Perhaps this is why I do not feel guilty at all. I honestly don't know what this is. 

Meanwhile, Doctor and I are good together. Doing the typical campus couple stuff, enjoy the sun out there and panicking about revision at the same time. I don't feel loved either. I guess this is one of those relationships that just happened because you can't see why you shouldn't. Well, at least I am happy now. I haven't cried alone in the middle of the night for a long while.

Doctor is a very sensitive person. At some point, I am worried that he will cringe on this if he finds out one day. I might be selfish, but I really don't want to destruct someone. 


2016年4月11日 星期一

It feels good.

It feels like we are doing all these things that I had once imagined doing with Mister, but just that I don't feel sad about the fact that it's not Mister but someone else. I guess I am now in the phase that I just don't love any of them. I purely just follow the flow, and let it lead me to wherever, even if it's a dangerous.

But I don't care, I really don't care anymore.

Love was never fair. It doesn't matter who are you, how good you are or how monstrous you behave. There is no guarantee for anything.

 At the same time, I guess I just don't believe me and Doctor would last. He seems unreal to me.

Call me a selfish bitch, whatever.

2016年4月7日 星期四

As long as you are happy.

我覺得自已一直都很盲目。因為愛所以相信自已可以妥協。
這可能是我這輩子做過最壞的事了,但是我想自私一次。就算他們都離開我,也沒有辦法。
坦白說,我覺得這一切都很不真實,Doctor是一個很特別的人,不是說誰比誰好,只是他的存在的確讓我感覺到我是活著的。但同時間,若果沒有mister我跟doctor也是不可能的。

我並不想欺騙誰。

假如時間可以永遠停留在這刻有多好。

2016年3月31日 星期四

Opportunity Risks

Can someone remind me what the hack was I risking for?

It is predictable but still more overwhelming than I expect it to be. Why is everything so hard?

2016年2月13日 星期六

Will I ever be happy again?


So it comes... Well, coming.

The purpose of this blog will come to a stop. I no longer need it.


I told Mister all these feelings I have and how much they have been upsetting me. Ironic that we rarely speak on the phone but when we do, we are talking about how to end this. We will make a decision when I see him a week later.

I have been crying all day since yesterday. Eyes puffed like a fish, I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Meanwhile I have to finish all the props making for our society, but it's actually quite healing to just focus on painting and listening to sad music, and cry for more.

This time is real. I'm too old to threaten Mister with breakup to ask for attention. I mean it this time.

The thought has lingered around so long, that I was waiting till I was ready for breaking it up. But then I realised there won't be such a day coming. I will never be ready for this.

And my decision?

It's 70% of leaving and 30% of staying. For once, I really put myself back into a right situation. I've always been busy keeping everyone happy, whilst I was extremely unhappy. I've got to do this for myself.


2016年1月27日 星期三

Surreal

I have talked about this before, but not quite clear enough. I wasn't able to figure out what the issue is and now I do.

In this semi-long distance relationship (as we don't get to see each other much), it feels unreal to me. It's not just the patience and mind games that bother me, it's the relationship itself.

Both Mister and I are being the person we want to be when we are around each other. We are nice, loving, patient to each other, but no one can be that perfect all the time. We don't get to see the good and the bad of each other. When hit by reality, the person who is standing next to us is no longer the person who lives in our dream, is truly heartbreaking.

Over the years, there are moments like that. In fact, it becomes more often. When I feel like I actually don't know this person at all, it feels quite daunting. Then, I would ask myself why am I still doing this? Why am I pretending this is part of reality when this is just another dream that I have been living off?

This is when I feel an urge to distance myself from Mister. I need some fresh air, not from the dream, but facing my reality and having control back in my hands.

This is also when I feel like to end it.

It's toxic. I was upset most of the time. All sorts of reasons. I would love to move on and I still have faith in love. Surely I will find someone not like this. But first thing, I have to let go.

Only a healthy mindset can lead to a healthy relationship, isn't it?