2018年6月14日 星期四

我完美,我高贵

嗯。

分手后的第四个月,也是第五个月。

我好像变成了我想成为的那个人,那个温柔善良可爱内心无比强大的女生。我骄傲但不自满。但我还是会想有人可以偶尔借一下肩膀。

2018年5月21日 星期一

Relationship-phobic

After the relationship with Doctor, he has really changed my view towards relationship. 

Realising that intimacy is good, but responsibilities are suffocating makes me want to run away from commitments forever. When I mean commitment, I don't mean just exclusivity in a relationship, but more like ownership and an interest to take on the other person's emotion trash. 

That was the worse part of our relationship, and always make me missing the kind of bond that I had with Mister. And we weren't in a relationship. So for me, labels are just labels. I don't even want DJ or any potential lover to feel obliged to please me because it's an exchange to chain me for sex. It also makes me really uncomfortable when the other person is already pouring their heart out while I'm not feeling the same; I lost interest immediately.

It's a game, and will always be. The guessing, not knowing gives the best fuck possible and everyone should enjoy it while they can. I don't want to get back to the stale phase of constantly judging the other person, oh because they are your soulmate and should be perfect. No, fuck that.

I want to see the real you before I decide whether you are in the long run. And as I grow older, the standard is so high that I am not even sure if that person exists.

I'm liberating myself; just this time not for any ego-boost purpose or exploring my sexuality anymore. Just me, sleeping with a guy whom I like. And I feel amazing afterwards. It's me, me, me, me, me.


2018年4月29日 星期日

值得

無論以後的路如何,希望你記得自己永遠值得被愛和擁有一切。

為了昨天,大概也是等待了五年。我用了五年時間去學會了愛自己愛生活愛別人,雖然路不平坦但甘之如飴。愛是十分沉重的,但我願意再試。畢竟我不想再將就一次,數年後再望著枕邊人,心如死水哪有意思。

2018年1月14日 星期日

有始有終

2018年1月14日, 這博客的種種意義要告一段落了。

是的。我和Mister終究共同決定要完結這關係。我們都哭了。是否這樣就能証明我們有過的,的確是愛情。要是真的話,我還是感恩這五年多的時間沒有白過。

我好難過好難過,但也慶幸此刻的自己已經強大到可以承受這一切。

Jersey這個地方沒必要也不會回來,回憶太多歷歷在目,舊地重遊,情有所鍾。

這幾天,Mister似乎把我這輩子最想聽到的話都說了幾遍,那是無悔了。就算以後再遇上哪個,誰也不及這一字一句。

那動人時光 不用常回看
能提取溫暖 以後渡嚴寒 就關起那間房
最動人時光 未必地老天荒
難忘的 因你太念念 才難忘
容易抱住誰十年 最難是放

真心講 想起那段情 仍不枉
若路上重遇 會笑笑問你近況
你每晚更新的臉書 卻無謂看

這應該是我最後一篇feed了。更新後,我會export到硬盤,好好保存以後很懷念的時候,再細讀吧。

2017年8月10日 星期四

可能你會說我沒資格難過,但事實是我真的他媽的難過。

我不明白的是為什麼他說一句無意,我就可以被隨便傷害。我也曾經想過去努力經營這一段關係,而最後換來的只是不被理解。也許我們都自私,我也不想誰讓誰。

It's broken not bent. I have to realise there is no point. There was never a point.

My issue is just to be there to compensate your issues. You have to realise that you honestly don't have that much to offer if you can't put up with the present me. (One of my ex-boyfriend already finished his phD when he was 25, so there's nothing much for you to be so proud of being a phD candidate, and he cured cancer not some stupid supplychains. And the most important thing is this person is humble as fuck unlike you). Flipping out on social media was probably one of the craziest thing I have done in any relationship. I know it's not right and I hate myself for doing so. I hate it even more that I choose to be with someone who doesn't make me a better person but pushing me into a worse.

I can't deny that this relationship is a failure. I was constantly doing/feeling something negative that I would have never done and clearly there is something wrong with it. It's toxic, and somehow I lived with it and believed in hell knows what the fuck I was thinking. 

I have taken more risks than ever for this relationship. I was never expecting you to take any risks for me, but it still came as a disappointment knowing that you think I am a twisted person with aggression who is too much of a risk to take. I hate to admit, but I regret everything that I have done.

SD, when I first know you, you are an alcoholic. You would call me at midnight saying you can't find your way back home. You would get pissed drunk and hold another girl's hand in the first party that we went together, and puke all over me. 

You convinced me that everyone has issues and shouldn't be stopped from building a meaningful relationship. Slowly I didn't abandon a relationship as soon as I found it problematic, I tried to fix it. 

I know you are scared that your partner has future plans that don't involve you. But let me tell you what, your arrogance of constantly looking down on people makes them want to prove that they don't need you. You are the biggest cause why your no.x girlfriend decided to go abroad. I can imagine her self-esteem was constantly trashed by you, and she has been waiting long for that day to see disappointment in your eyes.

And please stop using depression as your shield. Just because you are suicidal doesn't grant you the rights to hurt someone 'in-deliberately' and not having any consequences. My words are evil, but within words. Your act is truly evil.

Go on the loop and return to your messy state. I'm glad that I am out and I won't let you dragging me into such misery. 

2017年8月8日 星期二

The Biggest Fear

I was eating my scoop of ice-cream on the couch with you.

You looked at me in a disgust and said, 'I think I am not sleeping here, I'm going to sleep with Tom and the girl tonight.'

'What girl?', said by me in shocked.

'The girl I invited to Cosmo and slept with.' You said it without blinking.

Horror. Jealousy. Betrayal. These are the three words that are filled in my mind.

I started to scream at you, 'Why are you doing this to me?!' 

When I knew I am feeling vulnerable because you are hurting me and I should leave you to protect the last of my dignity, but I just couldn't.

2017年4月23日 星期日

我們還是分手了

其實我很難過,但我覺得這也是一件好事。


至少現在自己選好了立場,就算以後我讓你繼續找別個,也不要再跟他在一起了。遲早也要散,長痛不如短痛。你跟他性格都太硬,他對你的好,你看不到,你對他的好,他也不想要;其實沒什麼的,哭一兩天就好,只是有點不舍。我不想看到你變成不像你的人,明明好好的,為什麼要折騰。

他是有病的人,治不好,還會傳染。你的焦慮他也不會考慮,已經不是能磨合與否的問題。

難受是因為那些傷人的話,難受是因為措手不及,因為沒想到區區一件T恤就可以把一句又一句的愛你抺殺掉。也可能是因為最近他的冷淡,其實早已預告了他想分開,也許是因為他已經遇上下一個,所以對我也不聞不問。

也可能是因為有比較,更覺得深深不憤,明知道自己值得被愛,去愛,卻一直沒狠下心,去放棄這雞肋。也許是因為曾經有過希望,所以當希望落空的時候,更加失望。