2018年6月14日 星期四





2018年5月21日 星期一


After the relationship with Doctor, he has really changed my view towards relationship. 

Realising that intimacy is good, but responsibilities are suffocating makes me want to run away from commitments forever. When I mean commitment, I don't mean just exclusivity in a relationship, but more like ownership and an interest to take on the other person's emotion trash. 

That was the worse part of our relationship, and always make me missing the kind of bond that I had with Mister. And we weren't in a relationship. So for me, labels are just labels. I don't even want DJ or any potential lover to feel obliged to please me because it's an exchange to chain me for sex. It also makes me really uncomfortable when the other person is already pouring their heart out while I'm not feeling the same; I lost interest immediately.

It's a game, and will always be. The guessing, not knowing gives the best fuck possible and everyone should enjoy it while they can. I don't want to get back to the stale phase of constantly judging the other person, oh because they are your soulmate and should be perfect. No, fuck that.

I want to see the real you before I decide whether you are in the long run. And as I grow older, the standard is so high that I am not even sure if that person exists.

I'm liberating myself; just this time not for any ego-boost purpose or exploring my sexuality anymore. Just me, sleeping with a guy whom I like. And I feel amazing afterwards. It's me, me, me, me, me.

2018年4月29日 星期日




2018年1月14日 星期日


2018年1月14日, 這博客的種種意義要告一段落了。





那動人時光 不用常回看
能提取溫暖 以後渡嚴寒 就關起那間房
最動人時光 未必地老天荒
難忘的 因你太念念 才難忘
容易抱住誰十年 最難是放

真心講 想起那段情 仍不枉
若路上重遇 會笑笑問你近況
你每晚更新的臉書 卻無謂看


2017年8月10日 星期四



It's broken not bent. I have to realise there is no point. There was never a point.

My issue is just to be there to compensate your issues. You have to realise that you honestly don't have that much to offer if you can't put up with the present me. (One of my ex-boyfriend already finished his phD when he was 25, so there's nothing much for you to be so proud of being a phD candidate, and he cured cancer not some stupid supplychains. And the most important thing is this person is humble as fuck unlike you). Flipping out on social media was probably one of the craziest thing I have done in any relationship. I know it's not right and I hate myself for doing so. I hate it even more that I choose to be with someone who doesn't make me a better person but pushing me into a worse.

I can't deny that this relationship is a failure. I was constantly doing/feeling something negative that I would have never done and clearly there is something wrong with it. It's toxic, and somehow I lived with it and believed in hell knows what the fuck I was thinking. 

I have taken more risks than ever for this relationship. I was never expecting you to take any risks for me, but it still came as a disappointment knowing that you think I am a twisted person with aggression who is too much of a risk to take. I hate to admit, but I regret everything that I have done.

SD, when I first know you, you are an alcoholic. You would call me at midnight saying you can't find your way back home. You would get pissed drunk and hold another girl's hand in the first party that we went together, and puke all over me. 

You convinced me that everyone has issues and shouldn't be stopped from building a meaningful relationship. Slowly I didn't abandon a relationship as soon as I found it problematic, I tried to fix it. 

I know you are scared that your partner has future plans that don't involve you. But let me tell you what, your arrogance of constantly looking down on people makes them want to prove that they don't need you. You are the biggest cause why your no.x girlfriend decided to go abroad. I can imagine her self-esteem was constantly trashed by you, and she has been waiting long for that day to see disappointment in your eyes.

And please stop using depression as your shield. Just because you are suicidal doesn't grant you the rights to hurt someone 'in-deliberately' and not having any consequences. My words are evil, but within words. Your act is truly evil.

Go on the loop and return to your messy state. I'm glad that I am out and I won't let you dragging me into such misery. 

2017年8月8日 星期二

The Biggest Fear

I was eating my scoop of ice-cream on the couch with you.

You looked at me in a disgust and said, 'I think I am not sleeping here, I'm going to sleep with Tom and the girl tonight.'

'What girl?', said by me in shocked.

'The girl I invited to Cosmo and slept with.' You said it without blinking.

Horror. Jealousy. Betrayal. These are the three words that are filled in my mind.

I started to scream at you, 'Why are you doing this to me?!' 

When I knew I am feeling vulnerable because you are hurting me and I should leave you to protect the last of my dignity, but I just couldn't.

2017年4月23日 星期日