2019年3月17日 星期日

Embrace my singlehood

Three weeks of holidays - been through the snow, the tropical islands and a glimpse of city lights.

I think I am ready for what the new life has to offer.

In the Nyepi Day, I also make a vow of not dating anyone for 3 months. And if it feels right, I can extend this commitment to myself for another 3 months or so. The world has so much undiscovered and so much to offer, and in comparison I don't think any relationship can really compare to that. (However, I'm grateful for what Mister had done to open this door for me to explore the world. And my parents of course.)

So I'm just gonna stay committed to myself for a while. Focus on the new job, new challenge and a lot of opportunities that will come along. Embrace what it is to live a life of a 23 year old. That's very important. I want to spend more time doing community work if my schedule allows, so I don't forget to give back to those in need, and perhaps one day it will open a door for them to admire the world fully like me.

The list goes on... so there's no room for self-pity and harming. A lot of things are waiting ahead for me. I just need to ditch the habit of 'finding the ultimate person so my life will be completed', that person perhaps does not exist. I will meet a lot of people who walks in and teach me new things, and once their time is up they will walk out. Just because they walked out, it doesn't mean that the relationship that was once there was meaningless - they make me who I am and I am still the owner of my life.

2019年2月7日 星期四

She's good only because...


入职不久,一个同期的毕业生总喜欢说,我留下来加班是坐大腿的,更难听的就是,  "She is sucking the boss off." 。他说我融入的快,"just only because she speaks Chinese"。当然我也不是吃素的,以后狠狠地坑了他一把,大家总算打平,事后还一起喝了一杯。至今,我们还是好朋友。

其实也毫不意外,在同学中他们也会说,"she got the offer only because she got an EU passport"。甚至买了现时住处,they will say "she did this because her parents are well off”。你说我是不是毫不在意,那我还是偶尔会郁闷,那当然生活总有这些破事儿,以后来回味人生,不能指望每个人都待你好,所以我以后对所有表达善意的人,都心存感激。

看一看上文下理,哪来这么多just because, 那倒不如说,just because she is Chrissie? It's the combination of all the odds that make me who I am.

2019年1月25日 星期五

In Another Life...

I just watched a movie "比悲傷更悲傷的電影", and it reminds me a lot of things between me and Mister. And I cried, devastatingly.

Reading the IG-onlyvno, I realised that perhaps I have been blocking my feelings... :

 I just feel pathetic that I can't escape from this thinking trap, or brave enough to give up these dreams for someone whom I really love. I failed to commit any act of romanticism, even at a young age of 22, so I can be a fully certified adult, with job, family and mortgage. Too docile.

And a year later, looking at myself. Am I lying to myself so that I'm living the life that I have 'chosen' over being with Mister. So that I can go to bed every night? Am I being honest with myself, or I have almost successfully convinced myself that THIS is what I am striving for?

Is this the reason why you kind of hoping that Frank is not as keen as you are, so:

1) You are ready to flee when you can face your feelings truly again.
2) You can focus on trying to 'get' to him, and actually he helps to distract you from letting go of the memories of Mister.
3) That he, could potentially build a dream that probably faces the same troubles (like age, not-on-the-same-stage) so you kind of have the option for an 'alternative' future that you and Mister never have?

It's surprising when the storm of memories hit me like that. My subconsciousness is driving me crazy.

2018年12月9日 星期日

成年的時間, 過得很快


當其時我並不快樂,關在兩段並不令自己滿足的關係。那時我害怕, 我討厭自己一個人。但我終究花光了所有力氣, 去reset自己所有的感情生活, 面對me, myself and I. 也因而渡過了美好的二十二歲尾聲。

二十三歲,習慣了生命對我的厚待。但總是提醒自己要更加珍惜, 不要take it for granted, 所以我比所有人都努力。努力似乎沒有白費, 眾人對我也是認可的。對於工作, 心存感激, 以後也會加倍努力。

冥冥中, 新的人又出現在生命中。也許不是那麼突發, 也許自己長大了, 應對算是迎刃有余。只是感嘆一切塵埃落定後, 又過了一個春秋。文字之所以好, 寫出來才發現自己需要什麼, 在想什麼。 Self-consciousness 斷定了以後人生的迷茫性, 雖然過程也是極其重要, 但我不想有天醒來,才赫然自己跟理想的自己已經斷層。

2018年11月25日 星期日

Emotional Available

"Emotional Available"

How many times my life have been troubled by this phase?

I'm just curling up on my sofa, playing depressed today. It takes courage to do the DTR talk, and I think I have done a great job on perfectly stating what I want, why I'm doing this and the ball has thrown to the other person to tell me what he has in mind.

I'm just glad that the bell has rang after I have purchased few Christmas presents for this guy that I have been seeing for months without knowing if he's seeing someone else or simply if he is "emotionally available". And now I'm just slowly accepting that he is not 'there' with me. If this is the past Chrissie, she would probably give it another few months and blurt out 'I love you' before she starts pushing for an answer, or historically she never did.

I have played couple with many people in my life. Some worked out and some didn't, they mostly didn't. And what I have learnt is, either the person is available or not, the not-knowing in the long term hurt myself and the quality in the relationship. Despite the success with Mister, I wish I knew that he loved me earlier. By the time that I know he actually loves me, it was already too late. Too late that I don't see him as a potential partner, too late that my heart was already divided into half and I wasn't fully engaged with the relationship as my mechanism to avoid disappointment. 

Now I still follow my heart to wherever it takes me. I am just a little bit more conscious and in control, not passively waiting for 'one day he will realise how lucky he is'. I guess this is part of growing up. And no matter what I get from Frank in response, I won't regret it. I am so so so proud of myself of being able to address my feelings...

2018年11月11日 星期日

This is new to me.

I haven't like someone, like this for a long time.

As in the relationship starts off really slow in comparison to the previous ones, but as it happened, I'm falling so fast. I didn't start developing any interest of Fred until July. I was intrigued by him, but never really fancied him. Perhaps the first thing I noticed about him was that he was obviously shorter than me, so I just place him into the friend zone for the start. 

Then I feel like he was genuine. I could have a friend like this, so I bother him. And he acts cool, that intrigues me even more. Then the loop goes round and round; I wasn't sure he was interested at all by the time I was 100% into him. After few coincidences of getting to know each other (that includes my house-warming), I asked him out. And yes, that was actually my first time asking any guy out.

We hit it off straight away, and we chat till mid-night at his living room for that first proper date. I feel like I have synced with this person so much, and knowing even though he might not be romantically interested, he is a reliable friend to have. And his personality absolutely charmed me that evening. 

He didn't kiss me. And we didn't have sex.

And then I was even more confused. Thinking if he is leading me on or he is just being polite; then I jumped on a plane to NYC (which is a different story documented). 

First night coming back from NYC, I was dragged out to a drinking sesh with the senior management. He was there by the time when I turned up. I was having a second thought about him, (bailing) because of the NYC encounter. Mostly because I'm such an impatient person and I don't want to be rejected... so I set my expectation to zero at the time. Anyway, I was very very drunk that night. Some shit happened, Fred called me in the morning. I blamed everything on him - I mis-recognised the other guy as him, so he said he will come around that evening.

I was just trying to get my head round about that shitty incident. Somehow, the night was stretched to movies and chilling. He was asking what have I done the night before, and I was full of regrets and really not happy to talk about it. He leaned in and kept asking, so I was like 'Fuck this.'. I kissed him and he kissed back. Followed by making out and performing all sorts of acts that night. He went home afterwards.

At the time, I still felt like it was just pity sex. As he doesn't want to make me feel too bad for multiple incidents happened. Similar things happened for the next few weekends, sex was awkward but turned out to be good every time. Nevertheless, I still felt like he wasn't really that into me; and I do ask myself if I am positioning myself as a free whore and the only option he has... To be fair, I still think about this question at times. 

Fast forward, we are now spending every weekend together. And the truth is I really like him.

He cooked for me and I cooked for him. Snuggling together in the sofa and watching crap to pass time, and fuck during advert breaks. And I didn't go back to NYC (reference to the Chlamydia story).

The really enchanting part of this chunk of story is also the state of mind I am currently in. I broke up clean with all the relationships I had in the past and I have really moved on. I focused heavily on my work which I have done really well and feel proud of. I bought my flat, kept my car and things are moving forward in my life. And I'm very happy.

All that comes down to a point: Relationship is optional to me at this point.

I no longer need (reference to the past):
1) A distraction from my emotional emptiness 
2) Sexuality exploration
3) Ego-boost

I am truly at peace with myself at this point of time, which is actually very rare. And it kind of makes Fred even more special. I know I am drawn to him not because of other problems I have in my life. I am drawn to him because, it's a just-because and other good qualities that I see in him. With my clear head and joyful soul.

2018年9月9日 星期日



對的, 這必須是喜劇, 好頭好尾。隨著劇情的演進, 我慢慢發現到自己內心的不安比想像還多, 還難處理。2月到6月是一種冷漠期, 因為我不想面對自己的情感, 傷心但也許是一種解脫, 工作經歷了很多變化; 隨後的是一種不安份, 想瘋一把, 想通過別人的validation, 去再次認清自己在世界上的價值, 所以你不就認同了: My own existence has no true meaning to itself, it's the meaning of my existence that gives to other people that holds the purpose of my life.

那是我花了二十年都不願意認同的statement, 但或許經過了一些事愛過一些人, 迫不得已要去低頭承認的感知。同時我希望自己不要在這想法陷太深, 畢竟all eggs in one basket 還是很高風險, 萬一我錯了?