To my baby

Dear Baby,

Please allow me to write you a letter before you are born or before you are even conceived. For the first time and as a potential mother not just a woman, I wanted to tell you why I wanted you and I do pledge for certain level of forgiveness to bringing you to this world.

I wanted to do this differently from my mother's (your grandmother) generation - that they just let life took them wherever they were and brought life to this world without thinking about what life means to them. I wanted to show you - you, a very precious one arrives to this world with many considerations. Not the nitty gritty bit, because your mother I was never good at it.

And as I'm writing this down - this is probably the first time I start visualising you . You don't have to be anything but you can also be everything. And I will accept you for I created the every single possibilities, always.

Why I wanted you:

1. Being able to create a life is a gift - I want to experience it, I want to do this with you. I wanted to watch you grow, watch you do the same thing that I did and probably achieve greater things. But it's also OK if you don't - just live and despite there is a lot of not-so-nice bits in the world, I wish you all the best to find your own purpose of life and most importantly enjoy the ride. And don't worry, because I will always be there for you.
   
2. You would slowly understand that we have very little control over life. I was very fortunate to be in a position where I have the option to choose whether I have to have a child, and if so how I am having you. Although I don't want to spoil it, I really don't have any superpowers and clearly will not fix all my or your problems in the days ahead. But I truly love you and envision our lives as a family together. You will be immersed in the deepest and greatest love by me and those who have always been supporters of your mother.

Why I should apologise:

1. The world is nowhere near perfect - as you probably have figured out, the world is mean and unfriendly, and only occasionally you can find kindness. With that being said, there are also a lot of wonderful things that bring us great pleasure. We can make changes to this not so kind world, and it does get better from time to time.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant - 7 weeks.

The last two weeks have been incredibly hard for me and F. I mean with a surprise of this size, it really hits us hard, mentally and physically for me. Up to the point, we still haven't made a decision whether to progress or to terminate. It hurts me more, either way.

We tried to work on this as logical as we can be, but I soon realised there is also a part that is purely just being emotionally resilient. Not to let things overwhelm yourself, and most importantly find a way to grief and just let it out. Because if any resolution must include some ways to not let yourself resent or regret afterwards. I think this is the most difficult part of all, not to regret.