22歲的最後幾天，我彷彿看懂了很多事情。
也許是巧合，也許這是我精心策劃自編自導自演的愛情喜劇。
對的, 這必須是喜劇, 好頭好尾。隨著劇情的演進, 我慢慢發現到自己內心的不安比想像還多, 還難處理。2月到6月是一種冷漠期, 因為我不想面對自己的情感, 傷心但也許是一種解脫, 工作經歷了很多變化; 隨後的是一種不安份, 想瘋一把, 想通過別人的validation, 去再次認清自己在世界上的價值, 所以你不就認同了: My own existence has no true meaning to itself, it's the meaning of my existence that gives to other people that holds the purpose of my life.
那是我花了二十年都不願意認同的statement, 但或許經過了一些事愛過一些人, 迫不得已要去低頭承認的感知。同時我希望自己不要在這想法陷太深, 畢竟all eggs in one basket 還是很高風險, 萬一我錯了?
2018年9月7日 星期五
Remaining days of 22
It has happened a lot in this month.
I have done things that I wouldn't have done.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Arriving NYC for the first time, doing few lines of coke with a stranger and falling for this stranger. After the holiday, I tried to convince myself that this is just a holiday fling but truth is I really don't want to bear the pain of missing someone who is thousands miles away.
And shit happens. Waking up with your CEO next to you is not cool; luckily nothing 'much' had happened, it could have been worse. I choose to forget about that night, but I choose to try out something that I have wanted for months. And then it turns out, it isn't exactly something I want. Let's call him - Fred. Fred was a colleague of mine; we shared a lot in common, so we became friends and realised that he's basically have been through something similar like me with the BPD relationship. We clicked; and he is a nice guy. Just that I feel like I am the person who has always been pushing for things, and up to this point, I can really tell myself that I have tried and I can't really do much to make someone like me. I give up.
The next thing I did is I booked my flight to NYC in October - to see MD (Yep, he's a real doctor this doctor). It just feels right about him and I would move to his city if I really fall for him. We will see and time will tell.
I'm older now; love is important, but finding that person whom I can see a future with should be on my agenda.
Seventeen and we got a dream to have a family
A house and everything in between
And then, oh, suddenly we turned twenty-three
Now we got pressure for taking our life more seriously
We got our dead-end jobs and got bills to pay
Have old friends and know our enemies
Now I-, I'm thinking back to when I was young
Back to the day when I was falling in love
We can do anything if we put our minds to it
Take your whole life then you put a line through it
My love is yours if you're willing to take it
Give me your heart 'cause I ain't gonna break it
So come away, starting today
Start a new life, together in a different place
We know that love is how all these ideas came to be
So baby, run away with me
I have done things that I wouldn't have done.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Arriving NYC for the first time, doing few lines of coke with a stranger and falling for this stranger. After the holiday, I tried to convince myself that this is just a holiday fling but truth is I really don't want to bear the pain of missing someone who is thousands miles away.
And shit happens. Waking up with your CEO next to you is not cool; luckily nothing 'much' had happened, it could have been worse. I choose to forget about that night, but I choose to try out something that I have wanted for months. And then it turns out, it isn't exactly something I want. Let's call him - Fred. Fred was a colleague of mine; we shared a lot in common, so we became friends and realised that he's basically have been through something similar like me with the BPD relationship. We clicked; and he is a nice guy. Just that I feel like I am the person who has always been pushing for things, and up to this point, I can really tell myself that I have tried and I can't really do much to make someone like me. I give up.
The next thing I did is I booked my flight to NYC in October - to see MD (Yep, he's a real doctor this doctor). It just feels right about him and I would move to his city if I really fall for him. We will see and time will tell.
I'm older now; love is important, but finding that person whom I can see a future with should be on my agenda.
Seventeen and we got a dream to have a family
A house and everything in between
And then, oh, suddenly we turned twenty-three
Now we got pressure for taking our life more seriously
We got our dead-end jobs and got bills to pay
Have old friends and know our enemies
Now I-, I'm thinking back to when I was young
Back to the day when I was falling in love
We can do anything if we put our minds to it
Take your whole life then you put a line through it
My love is yours if you're willing to take it
Give me your heart 'cause I ain't gonna break it
So come away, starting today
Start a new life, together in a different place
We know that love is how all these ideas came to be
So baby, run away with me
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