Love is a choice. Like is intuitive.

Small things melt my heart. 

I really appreciate how things are right now. I wish it will stay like this, forever. He makes me strong, I makes him proud. I like this relationship so much. We are better people because we are together. Not because we have to sacrifice our values to declare love to each other. This is the most beautiful state any love can be.

F, 

I love you but I still love myself more, and I wish just the same for you.

S

Because time will tell

对另一半有很多问题，固然想问，但退一步还是觉得时间会证明一切。奈何现代人时间不多，分秒力争，说到底还是得失心重。因为你们都希望把有限的时间留给你理想的那个人；说的通，但于我那不是爱情，那不过是找个人去配合自己，谈不上爱。

当你真的能够把自己放下，怀着love is not restricted by time的心情，putting someone else first, 那才是爱的开始。我从来也不怎么懂去爱人，也许有些领悟，但还在努力学习呢。

I'm in Love.

I am in love, so in love.

Embrace my singlehood

Three weeks of holidays - been through the snow, the tropical islands and a glimpse of city lights.

I think I am ready for what the new life has to offer.

In the Nyepi Day, I also make a vow of not dating anyone for 3 months. And if it feels right, I can extend this commitment to myself for another 3 months or so. The world has so much undiscovered and so much to offer, and in comparison I don't think any relationship can really compare to that. (However, I'm grateful for what Mister had done to open this door for me to explore the world. And my parents of course.)

So I'm just gonna stay committed to myself for a while. Focus on the new job, new challenge and a lot of opportunities that will come along. Embrace what it is to live a life of a 23 year old. That's very important. I want to spend more time doing community work if my schedule allows, so I don't forget to give back to those in need, and perhaps one day it will open a door for them to admire the world fully like me.

The list goes on... so there's no room for self-pity and harming. A lot of things are waiting ahead for me. I just need to ditch the habit of 'finding the ultimate person so my life will be completed', that person perhaps does not exist. I will meet a lot of people who walks in and teach me new things, and once their time is up they will walk out. Just because they walked out, it doesn't mean that the relationship that was once there was meaningless - they make me who I am and I am still the owner of my life.

She's good only because...

我还记得我刚进公司的时候在杜塞培训，那时候有个女产品经理觉得自己特牛逼，跟我说她在华为干了三年就升为产品经理，巴啦巴啦一堆，最后她总结说，你不要以为做为女生在华为有什么优势。面对这突如其来的statement，我只好在旁边打哈哈。

入职不久，一个同期的毕业生总喜欢说，我留下来加班是坐大腿的，更难听的就是,  "She is sucking the boss off." 。他说我融入的快，"just only because she speaks Chinese"。当然我也不是吃素的，以后狠狠地坑了他一把，大家总算打平，事后还一起喝了一杯。至今，我们还是好朋友。

其实也毫不意外，在同学中他们也会说，"she got the offer only because she got an EU passport"。甚至买了现时住处，they will say "she did this because her parents are well off”。你说我是不是毫不在意，那我还是偶尔会郁闷，那当然生活总有这些破事儿，以后来回味人生，不能指望每个人都待你好，所以我以后对所有表达善意的人，都心存感激。

看一看上文下理，哪来这么多just because, 那倒不如说，just because she is Chrissie? It's the combination of all the odds that make me who I am.

In Another Life...

I just watched a movie "比悲傷更悲傷的電影", and it reminds me a lot of things between me and Mister. And I cried, devastatingly.

Reading the IG-onlyvno, I realised that perhaps I have been blocking my feelings... :

 I just feel pathetic that I can't escape from this thinking trap, or brave enough to give up these dreams for someone whom I really love. I failed to commit any act of romanticism, even at a young age of 22, so I can be a fully certified adult, with job, family and mortgage. Too docile.

And a year later, looking at myself. Am I lying to myself so that I'm living the life that I have 'chosen' over being with Mister. So that I can go to bed every night? Am I being honest with myself, or I have almost successfully convinced myself that THIS is what I am striving for?

Is this the reason why you kind of hoping that Frank is not as keen as you are, so:

1) You are ready to flee when you can face your feelings truly again.
2) You can focus on trying to 'get' to him, and actually he helps to distract you from letting go of the memories of Mister.
3) That he, could potentially build a dream that probably faces the same troubles (like age, not-on-the-same-stage) so you kind of have the option for an 'alternative' future that you and Mister never have?

It's surprising when the storm of memories hit me like that. My subconsciousness is driving me crazy.