Since when this fantasy and my reality starts blurring out with each other? Mister is my escape, and I'm his. But it's not real if you think about it. In reality, it can't be just YOU & ME in our life, just because we make it happens like that artificially.
I had no idea the exchange of emails and texts will lead to this. It scares me now. Accepting the fact is not easy. Not only that we are not going anywhere, it's more like, neither of us will end up happy if we are together in the clear or unclear.
It hurts me. But leaving it hurts me even more. It feels like a soul-eating poison that is damaging myself everyday.
I want to get the fuck out of it.
2015年11月10日 星期二
Even if you stop loving me one day, I think I'll still be loving you.
Returning to uni as a 2nd year is very different. In fact, I think I'm actually having more fun and feeling more comfortable. Overall, you are settled and know how to work things round in the campus. And you have certain authority in your own circles too.
Having your own comfort zone is great. But getting out of it is the only way to get the most out of a diverse life. It is a hard choice in between.
I feel less depressed since the return. Getting busy really helps. I tend to have less time to think about the negatives of me and Mister. And after the 3 months of separation, I am really glad that I am back. At least I get to see him every now and then. It is great! So I am not in a position that I will complain much.
But I still get the confusion....
It still hurts to think about having to end all these one day, possibly when I graduated. It is not that far, approaching with a lot of uncertainties. It scares me. And I am a worrier, but lucky that I am an optimist too.
So what will come first? Will we fall out of love first, or we will be apart first? Which is better?
I just don't think I am capable to do all these again. 3 years mean a lot to a blooming young adult. I love him with all my hearts.
Last week I went to HK again, and I got super, super drunk. I was actually in a coma, pretty much.
Then I spent all day in bed, on and off my bed to puke. It was bad. It was so bad that I decided not to drink for a while. I realise excess drinking and partying is not going to make my life any better. It may be a quick getaway, but the problem is still there when I got up the next day.
And also, after the night that I was in a pretty big fight with my family, I decided that my life is shit enough and I should do something to make myself feel good about myself instead of making it worse.
On the other hand, it's my birthday in less than 4 weeks. Then I'm turning 20.
Holding a big is not something I want. Perhaps a bungy jump? Perhaps going to the amusement park? Some indoor skiing? I need to do something physically exciting!
Been home for nearly 2 months now, means that I still need to sleep in the living room for another 1.5 months. My home - a 800 sq. ft. 2 bedroom flat is way too tiny for 4 people. If I knew this is the case, that my sister took over 'my' room completely, I will never ever come back.
It's hard not to get insane when you have no privacy and space, along with a mentally-ill mother and sister who collects toy bears at her 20's.
Sorry. I never mention all these. But you get the point, it's nothing really worth mentioning.
We seem to have everything now, plenty of time to do whatever, sufficient money to experience/to travel/to do all sorts. But after the three years in college, what's waiting for us is nothing. Nothing.
No time. No money. No friends (assume they're all over the world, working and moving on).
It's scary.
I wish I can do something to avoid this. But it seems unavoidable to me.
Is it too early to be worried?
2015年8月7日 星期五
I love him more than anything. But at some point, I just don't think I can stay strong to handle all these.
However, I know I will stay.
It's even more heart-breaking to break things off than to carry on with the hype and the lows.
It's true that when you have more money, they help to fill out some emotional deprivations. And all you do is to buy things.
This time, I promised I'll be good. I'll not fuck anyone apart from Mister.
Love is so intense. I enjoy the every single moment we had together. I miss his laugh, his voice, his hand, his eyes, his everything. I like how our relationship is transforming, sex gets better as we love each other more. I like it when he wrapped around a white towel and pretended he was some Roman philosopher. I like it when he put on his straight face to scare me off. I like it when he told me how beautiful I am. I like it when I can just kiss him endlessly on his cheeks. I like it when I can annoy him in order to wake up him. Every single way, I love him.
I know I am being blind and the thrill probably comes from the excitement of such a forbidden affair. But fuck that. He makes me very very happy, and it's all that matters.
Back to home for few weeks. Pool parties, nasty flu, one French encounter.
Oddly enough, I am so tempted to start a relationship after meeting this French football player in HK. I miss afternoons that I can just indulge in bed with someone nice. Especially for holidays like this. But I find it rather difficult... to meet white/Caucasian in this small town. I wish I live in HK.
On the other hand, people are making so much fuss when an Asian girl prefers sleeping with white guys. I shouldn't feel ashamed of this, but when I heard of people talking about how easy to get an Asian girl laid, I still feel like I'm not supporting the poor males in my own race. My act makes me a traitor.
And I google my doubt, funny fact that I'm not the only one. Dating apps actually shows most men fancy Asian women while majority of females prefer white men. I doubt the accuracy of this experiment, but at least it shows some correlations.
I wonder what's the reason behind. That Asian women are more feminine? I was actually told that Asian women have the best (tightest) pussy among all, is that a big factor?
Exam time again, four out of six exam done and two more to go.
But the thought of finishing my exams doesn't excite me much, summer is coming, which means I am going home very soon, in less than a month. I don't like the thought of it.
Because I will miss Mister a lot. Just like I am now. But I am hoping the presence of my family will make me feel better.
It is so nice to have him around for the past 4 days. His wife and kids were away, so I can finally fell asleep at night and woke up in his arms in the morning. It is an exam de-stress treat.
The most difficult part I found is always the detachment, especially after two and a half years, constantly repeating the process. I am a human, a woman, after all. The process never gets easier in time, because I feel more loved and appreciate the every single moment I had with Mister after each detachment.
I guess I am just going to let all my emotions to purge out as they hit me tonight. It hurts but I will be fine.
I have this feeling that I might let my parents know what is going on for these years when I get home. They are quite open up to things. But my main concern is they will worry about me, a lot. And there are nothing much they can do about me.
Will it be a disappointment to them? Sometimes I feel like I should be more shameful for the affairs than I actually did. But Infidelity, we all know they are there, right under our nose, but we still picture the ideal, loving and caring images about marriage or family. And when the reality doesn't go quite the way we wish, whoever fails to have the 'perfect' marriage becomes a loser. What is wrong with us?
Now that probably you have landed, back to your loving home with the three kids.
Kisses from your wife when you get to the door porch,
as you have been away for two weeks. She misses you.
Everything just fall back into their places, like nothing ever happened. At least you have to act like you haven't been with your mistress for this business trip.
And here I am, a glass in my hand and working on my system dynamics and laplace transform problems.
I am not going to cry, because I know I deserve better overall.
But I still can't help to pour myself glass after glass.
Knowing the fact that I, as a woman, will spend the rest of my life trying not to be in the same situation as your wife.
If it still happens to be, at least I know it's never easy to be the other woman. And perhaps I will be more forgiving.
Being a woman is tougher than I ever thought.
The Other Woman
The other woman has time to manicure her nails
The other woman is perfect where her rival fails
And she's never seen with pin curls in her hair, anywhere.
The other woman enchants her clothes with French perfume
The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room
There are never toys that's scattered everywhere
And when her old man comes to call
He finds her waiting like a lonesome queen
'Cause to be by her side
It's such a change from old routine
But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep
It still hasn't reached a point that I know I can't love Mister for more. It just keeps growing.
I know he feels more or less the same too. There is no way I can deny how great it is to hear 'I love you' slipping out of his mouth, just that I feel sorry for him. It is quite a sad thing that you are with someone, but all you do is thinking about the other person and wishing he/she is here. I have been there before, I know how it feels.
Especially this person right next to you is someone whom you have once loved so deeply that you decided to build a family together. It isn't something you can change your mind, too many consequences, too many boundaries, too much to handle. What is the reason behind? OR you never need a reason for extramarital sex?
--------------------------
Term ends this week, heading to Seattle this Thursday, then ski trip in France, then revision, then off to Chengdu with Mister :-) :-):-)
But before that, one essay and one lab report due in Wednesday. URGH
Although I am not on the SeekingArrangement site anymore, I have still kept my stalking account. And once in a while, I search and browse, seeing what is going on.
So when I see this profile called 'Young heir. Looking for young girl my age, 19' , I can't help but clicked in. Reading half-way through his profile, I am almost certain this person is one of friends in my course. In fact, I just spent a week in Verbier with him in the New Year.
Hmm... Interesting, I thought.
This also means I can't put my profile up again... Guaranteed.
