Emotional Available

"Emotional Available"

How many times my life have been troubled by this phase?

I'm just curling up on my sofa, playing depressed today. It takes courage to do the DTR talk, and I think I have done a great job on perfectly stating what I want, why I'm doing this and the ball has thrown to the other person to tell me what he has in mind.

I'm just glad that the bell has rang after I have purchased few Christmas presents for this guy that I have been seeing for months without knowing if he's seeing someone else or simply if he is "emotionally available". And now I'm just slowly accepting that he is not 'there' with me. If this is the past Chrissie, she would probably give it another few months and blurt out 'I love you' before she starts pushing for an answer, or historically she never did.

I have played couple with many people in my life. Some worked out and some didn't, they mostly didn't. And what I have learnt is, either the person is available or not, the not-knowing in the long term hurt myself and the quality in the relationship. Despite the success with Mister, I wish I knew that he loved me earlier. By the time that I know he actually loves me, it was already too late. Too late that I don't see him as a potential partner, too late that my heart was already divided into half and I wasn't fully engaged with the relationship as my mechanism to avoid disappointment. 

Now I still follow my heart to wherever it takes me. I am just a little bit more conscious and in control, not passively waiting for 'one day he will realise how lucky he is'. I guess this is part of growing up. And no matter what I get from Frank in response, I won't regret it. I am so so so proud of myself of being able to address my feelings...

This is new to me.

I haven't like someone, like this for a long time.

As in the relationship starts off really slow in comparison to the previous ones, but as it happened, I'm falling so fast. I didn't start developing any interest of Fred until July. I was intrigued by him, but never really fancied him. Perhaps the first thing I noticed about him was that he was obviously shorter than me, so I just place him into the friend zone for the start. 

Then I feel like he was genuine. I could have a friend like this, so I bother him. And he acts cool, that intrigues me even more. Then the loop goes round and round; I wasn't sure he was interested at all by the time I was 100% into him. After few coincidences of getting to know each other (that includes my house-warming), I asked him out. And yes, that was actually my first time asking any guy out.

We hit it off straight away, and we chat till mid-night at his living room for that first proper date. I feel like I have synced with this person so much, and knowing even though he might not be romantically interested, he is a reliable friend to have. And his personality absolutely charmed me that evening. 

He didn't kiss me. And we didn't have sex.

And then I was even more confused. Thinking if he is leading me on or he is just being polite; then I jumped on a plane to NYC (which is a different story documented). 

First night coming back from NYC, I was dragged out to a drinking sesh with the senior management. He was there by the time when I turned up. I was having a second thought about him, (bailing) because of the NYC encounter. Mostly because I'm such an impatient person and I don't want to be rejected... so I set my expectation to zero at the time. Anyway, I was very very drunk that night. Some shit happened, Fred called me in the morning. I blamed everything on him - I mis-recognised the other guy as him, so he said he will come around that evening.

I was just trying to get my head round about that shitty incident. Somehow, the night was stretched to movies and chilling. He was asking what have I done the night before, and I was full of regrets and really not happy to talk about it. He leaned in and kept asking, so I was like 'Fuck this.'. I kissed him and he kissed back. Followed by making out and performing all sorts of acts that night. He went home afterwards.

At the time, I still felt like it was just pity sex. As he doesn't want to make me feel too bad for multiple incidents happened. Similar things happened for the next few weekends, sex was awkward but turned out to be good every time. Nevertheless, I still felt like he wasn't really that into me; and I do ask myself if I am positioning myself as a free whore and the only option he has... To be fair, I still think about this question at times. 

Fast forward, we are now spending every weekend together. And the truth is I really like him.

He cooked for me and I cooked for him. Snuggling together in the sofa and watching crap to pass time, and fuck during advert breaks. And I didn't go back to NYC (reference to the Chlamydia story).

The really enchanting part of this chunk of story is also the state of mind I am currently in. I broke up clean with all the relationships I had in the past and I have really moved on. I focused heavily on my work which I have done really well and feel proud of. I bought my flat, kept my car and things are moving forward in my life. And I'm very happy.

All that comes down to a point: Relationship is optional to me at this point.

I no longer need (reference to the past):

1) A distraction from my emotional emptiness 

2) Sexuality exploration

3) Ego-boost

I am truly at peace with myself at this point of time, which is actually very rare. And it kind of makes Fred even more special. I know I am drawn to him not because of other problems I have in my life. I am drawn to him because, it's a just-because and other good qualities that I see in him. With my clear head and joyful soul.