Letting Go

 虽然预谋已久，但心还是很痛。

我会记得你给我的忠告，让别人先给你石头才把自己的糖果交出去，不要再把糖果赔的清光了。

迎来第四个夏天

最近好像从很想很想结婚到没有那么想结婚。要是说为什么，可能是从我俩接受counselling开始吧。也可能是M一而再，再而三告诫我，请务必找到那个很爱很爱你的人，而因此动摇吧。也可能是看到这么善良的人也会有不如意的婚姻，让我质疑婚姻的本质是什么。也可能是最近恢复投入社交，并不想身份有所改变。

千头万绪，也不知道挑哪个说起好。也许是意识到自己前路未明，其实没有必要随便找个人来订终身，更何况那个人也没那兴致，那何必自投罗网？

反正我爱过很多人，他们都教会了我一些事儿，让我奔向下一位的时候更勇敢了。所以我也不再害怕关系的完结，不到临终我们是无法预料谁才是陪我们到最后的那位。也许那位还在远方等着我，而我只需要做该做的事，我们自然会遇见。

To my baby

Dear Baby,

Please allow me to write you a letter before you are born or before you are even conceived. For the first time and as a potential mother not just a woman, I wanted to tell you why I wanted you and I do pledge for certain level of forgiveness to bringing you to this world.

I wanted to do this differently from my mother's (your grandmother) generation - that they just let life took them wherever they were and brought life to this world without thinking about what life means to them. I wanted to show you - you, a very precious one arrives to this world with many considerations. Not the nitty gritty bit, because your mother I was never good at it.

And as I'm writing this down - this is probably the first time I start visualising you . You don't have to be anything but you can also be everything. And I will accept you for I created the every single possibilities, always.

Why I wanted you:

1. Being able to create a life is a gift - I want to experience it, I want to do this with you. I wanted to watch you grow, watch you do the same thing that I did and probably achieve greater things. But it's also OK if you don't - just live and despite there is a lot of not-so-nice bits in the world, I wish you all the best to find your own purpose of life and most importantly enjoy the ride. And don't worry, because I will always be there for you.
   
2. You would slowly understand that we have very little control over life. I was very fortunate to be in a position where I have the option to choose whether I have to have a child, and if so how I am having you. Although I don't want to spoil it, I really don't have any superpowers and clearly will not fix all my or your problems in the days ahead. But I truly love you and envision our lives as a family together. You will be immersed in the deepest and greatest love by me and those who have always been supporters of your mother.

Why I should apologise:

1. The world is nowhere near perfect - as you probably have figured out, the world is mean and unfriendly, and only occasionally you can find kindness. With that being said, there are also a lot of wonderful things that bring us great pleasure. We can make changes to this not so kind world, and it does get better from time to time.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant - 7 weeks.

The last two weeks have been incredibly hard for me and F. I mean with a surprise of this size, it really hits us hard, mentally and physically for me. Up to the point, we still haven't made a decision whether to progress or to terminate. It hurts me more, either way.

We tried to work on this as logical as we can be, but I soon realised there is also a part that is purely just being emotionally resilient. Not to let things overwhelm yourself, and most importantly find a way to grief and just let it out. Because if any resolution must include some ways to not let yourself resent or regret afterwards. I think this is the most difficult part of all, not to regret.

我想长大，更想你陪我长大。

 Diary is an incredibly interesting thing. When you first wrote it, it's almost like a burden that you can put them into words and unload it somewhere. And when you read it again in years time, it recalls the exact emotions that you were going through and also reminds yourself how much you have grown.

还有一个月就二十五岁了，二十岁走了大半，想着我得到了什么和失去了什么，老实说我并不如开局的时候处之泰然。与其说压力来自于外界，不如说已经习惯跟自己较劲。他们都说老天为所有人的三十岁早已预备好一份份礼物等你认领，而二十岁的你就是要好好的预备换取的资格。

焦虑是因为我好像还跟我想象中的样子有出入，也是因为我想三十岁时有张令自己满意的答卷。

然而踏入二十后局有更多命题，是金钱事业婚姻，排山倒海的涌过来。我怕，有天我后悔。

回归自由

6月6号

我们这段感情来到这刚刚好了。我最后的温柔，请你接受吧。不是我不难过，只是我痛得比你早而已。

这个结局不正是你想要的吗？

6月6号

我想跟你发展下去。你的勇敢感动了我，行与不行 - 平常心去看待就好了。至少我如今醒了过来，发现原来只是一场恶梦。

很久没有写一些情情爱爱，跟咨询师的第八节课，不知不觉我的生命起了很多变化：

1. 我觉得I can feel again，我开始对生命重拾热情，我觉得每一天起来都有可期待的事情。

2. 网红的过度期其实没有那么可怕。

3. 我爱做饭，我爱剪影片，我爱他。

4. 也许现实不能事事如意，但既然当下是享受的，那就好好享受吧。