Reasons that I am not sorry

A month has slipped away since the 'breakup', my emotions are less affected than expected. I feel like I have so much more time to do my own thing, even some side projects. Life is great again.

At times I also feel sorry for not feeling sorry about Doctor, and perhaps neither does he... Well, the end of a relationship doesn't mean it has never been a success, at least I made some progress.

1. I understand about myself more. Especially that I am a very physical person, also understand that the strong desire of having sex with one person doesn't necessarily mean I actually like them. I guess this is more common for men, or that it is more acceptable for men. Anyway, at least now I am fully acknowledged and accept this fact.
2. Not everyone is as nice as Mister, and he is truly exceptional. Now I am sure that, given any choice of men, I would probably still choose him over anyone... Well, under the circumstances that I need to make a choice (lol). It is not random attachment that little girls have, he is really someone very special to me. Not to mention his personality and some traits that I value a lot... If I keep going, I can talk through the list for a day.
3. Don't risk staying with a terrible and arrogant person. The sooner you realised that, the earlier you should leave before they make your world ugly. This is exactly how I feel after these 9 months, things have never been so ugly in any of my relationships. Not only that I didn't become a better person, I inherited/exaggerated some bad traits from Doctor too. 
4. People in standard relationships tend to have ridiculous expectations. How can people expect someone to be committed to something that they can't even do themselves? And even if they can, why do we have to put so much pressure on the other person, asking for the same treatment. It is terrible, terrible, terrible. Some might say it is immature to not take any responsibilities or not caring, and all these equal to meaningless relationship... Again, what is meaningful to me doesn't apply to everyone. Accept it.
5. Relationship just takes sooooo much time. 

跟你在一起，你我也好受傷

坦白說，我是有愛過的。

只是你的自大，總讓我覺得很不適合，也許你需要的是一個小女生，我的世界太大了，我也不想因為你而變小。雖然我最害怕一個人，但與其你傷我傷你，倒不如放手，我不想成為與你相近的人。

最後最後，九個月，我嘗試去好好愛你，但我覺得，我還是沒得到我想要的，那還有什麼意思。

Lesson taught by the Past

I was often worried that I held onto the habit of Mister too much.

Truth is, after I started to 'move forward' with Doctor especially, the more I understand how I have never actually let the past governed myself. I didn't regret any moment or time that I have spent with Mister and I still look forward to more. Realizing that this is not a 'mistake' I made feels terrible but enlightening.

You see, I am not writing this to judge myself, whether if having a married lover is right or wrong, wise or stupid. I am here to reflect yourself.

Being alone could be sad sometimes. I cried less often because I couldn't with the presence of Doctor, but it doesn't mean this is any better than without him.

Don't be scared. Be brave.

It's been 4 years.

有些人只說不做，有些人做了不多說。如果Doctor是前者，Mister便是後者。

時間過去，我跟Doctor穩定下來才發現，任誰也沒法填滿我空了一塊的心。我很想很想可以跟Mister在一起，也覺得我們是最適合。無論將來我要舍棄多少，都可以的。

這樣的決心真的很可怕，人愈大，發現像他這樣的人原來是非常難得，所以覺得值得。

Back to Jersey

Went on holiday with Mister... It's always so hard to say goodbye when we are parting our ways.

I felt like I am falling in love with him, over and over again. I mean how could you not love a person like him? From head to toe, he has his own charm and there are qualities in him that I valued so so much. 

And these are the things that I can hold onto forever. I could do so much for him, just because I know he deserved it. They think I'm young, but they don't know about the other things that have been going on. I know this will not be forever, I will have to leave Mister one day. Just that at this point, I am not ready yet and I can't do it. I just couldn't.

Mister was saying, 'Might be just another year, next year you will be ready for something else, something more exciting. UCL or the state, wherever you want to go.'. But you see, I couldn't even stand the thought of thinking not having him in my life. Mister is part of me, and always will be. All the things I have been doing is to prepare myself to leave him, but how come it's just making me understand how irreplaceable he is.

'I love you more than you think. Just don't leave me when I'm not ready yet.' This sentence was always in my mind, I wasn't brave enough to say it. When I actually said it last night, it's a great relief, because it's Mister, because I trust him, because I give myself to him, because I surrender. I am all his.

'I will never leave you.', he said.

You see, this is all I needed. A reassurance, even if it may not be true, but that is all I needed right now.

On the other hand, I knew I could never love Doctor like this. He is just there, he is nice to me. He makes me feel less lonely. But that's all. I just couldn't see the good in him.

Should I just leave it? I mean what's the point? Should I just indulge myself in my loneliness until Mister's next visit?...

It's OVER

I broke up with Doctor, sort of.

I believe a person can change his habits/behavior, but there are some personality traits that can't be changed, and they are the things which make you who you really are. For Doctor, his self-centered trait is the main thing killing this relationship. It's all about him at the end of the day.

As if he is only treating me nicely because he wants me to give him something back. Even though he claimed he doesn't expect anything, he is just not the kind of person who has the true kindness that I admired from Mister.

Sometimes I wonder how come I can't see the good in him, perhaps he can't either. I wish there is something else I can hold onto when we are having a bad moment, apart from he can be really nice to me, even just a small one. He is wrong about me giving up easily, I don't. During my relationship with Mister, I had harder and more reasons to give up, but I didn't, because I can always think of many, many reasons that he has to be part of my life. Because of Mister, I became someone I can never imagined myself to be. He is one of the few people who can see the good in me.

All these are pretty overwhelming right now. Thoughts and memories from the past that criss-crossing with each other.

Another thing is Doctor is so full of shits. He can never admit that he doesn't know everything, and he could be wrong. Argh, but I don't care now...


All I need is sleep. If anyone tells you that sleep can't make you feel better, you are not having enough sleep.

情人剖白

在尋找真愛的途中，不免有一方會想進行自已內心某部分的剖白。

要處理得好並不容易，剖白的原因，不過是想被理解，被包容或者，被原諒。

Doctor昨晚很難得地跟我說了他的一段過去，一直未被原諒的過去。我並不肯定他的motives是什麼，是想被原諒，還是想激起我的同情心，重點是我的心的確被觸動。人可以自私，但做了傷害別人的事，那後果是會跟你一輩子的。我不想變成他那樣。

最後他抱著我，我想了想，有感而發說，至少你還會感到抱歉，那已經夠了；若然你該抱歉的時候並感受不到抱歉，那才是真正的悲哀。但是，這都不重要了，都已經過去了。所以，我還是覺得，對於別人的過去，我不需要去妒忌，畢竟一切一切都是＂前人種樹，後人掩蔭＂，我尊重每個人的過去。