SPOTTED my friend on the SA site

Although I am not on the SeekingArrangement site anymore, I have still kept my stalking account. And once in a while, I search and browse, seeing what is going on. 

So when I see this profile called 'Young heir. Looking for young girl my age, 19' , I can't help but clicked in. Reading half-way through his profile, I am almost certain this person is one of friends in my course. In fact, I just spent a week in Verbier with him in the New Year.

Hmm... Interesting, I thought. 

This also means I can't put my profile up again... Guaranteed.

Winter Updates

Back from the ski trip, Mister is not here this time. I had a great time with friends, but I would rather have a night in with Mister than going out every night, just like what we did in Val Thorens.

It is interesting how you think about someone at the beginning, and it turns out into something else totally different. I have always thought it will only be a short term thing between me and Mister, but now I can see something more can possibly happen. I am turning 20 next year, so I said to Mister, 'Are you still going to be there?'. He answered with an unbelievable face, and an 'Of course!'. I said, 'Nah, I just think you may ditch me once I get to 21 or so, younger, prettier girls out there.'. And he said, 'I think women are the best at their 24/25, and you will be amazing at that time.'

It sounds ideal to me. If things end at my 24, I still have a good 2-years to meet someone new, and if things go well, I can get married at 26/27, and become a mother before 30 as I have always planned. I will invite Mister to my wedding, he has to be there. He is one of the rare ones that really care about me apart from my family. We are lucky.

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[Poetic Mode ON]

In fact, I don't believe in luck.

But I do believe we have known each other since forever, though. When the Big Bang happened, all the atoms in the universe, they were all collided together into one little dot that exploded outwards. So my atoms and your atoms were certainly together then, and who knows, probably smashed together several times in the last 13.7 billion years.

My atoms have known your atoms and they have always known your atoms.

My atoms have always loved your atoms.

7 Weeks of Freshers

It has been a while since I started university, and life has never been so good before. I've met a lot of interesting people, made a lot of good friends and have a lot of fun.

Me and Mister are still seeing each other fairly often. He came up twice and I went down to London once. He said he is getting a bit jealous, but I think we are getting the balance here. At least for now, I am not the only one that feel insecure in this relationship, which makes me feel much more secure than the past. Oddly enough.

I always know that I am an attractive person. But in here, I am like a goddess now. I said that to Mister in return of a 'Don't get big-headed'. There are really nice guys around, and I won't avoid dating them. But for now, rushing into anything is the least thing I wanted. (very difficult to control on that)

To be honest, I have already had the best. Mister has all the qualities I would look for in a man, just that he can't be mine, officially. There is an official blank space there, waiting for someone to fill it in. But for when, who knows?

Something's wrong

  As you notice, I've been in this mood swing lately. When I sit down in a cafe today, and really think about what is going on with me.

 The thought of ending the relationship is getting stronger than ever. I can sense something is wrong, with Mister or it might just simply with me. I don't know.

  Although  I have always feeling insecure, I am always good at coping with them. I can always pull myself together and put up with it. But for this time, I feel like I can't handle this. I don't see why I should put myself in this anymore.

  When there is a problem, you can either:

Accept it
Change it
Leave it

  But I don't want leave and I can't change anything. I wish this is just another emotion cycle and I can manage to accept it as I have always done.

  As I was thinking all these, I realised I have forgotten something really important. THE PILLS!

  I have been taking Cerazette for the past 2 years. Recently I went back to Hong Kong for 3 weeks, so I have been on and off taking the pills. And as I come back to the UK, the routine has returned back to usual. Bare that in mind, the depression side-effects are very common in women who take this kind of contraceptive pills. The fluctuation in hormone levels can be a huge factor contributing to my recent mood swings. And that will make so much more sense now!

  But of course, Mister is a big trigger....

  If this is getting worse, I think I will need to cut off the pills or talk to a counsellor. I have heard that the depression can be severe from a lot of women. Wish I will get back to normal, as the hormones level is stabilised.

 

As time goes by, I notice the distance between me and Mister is more tangible. Do I actually love him? I mean, how it will be possible that I’m in love with someone I know nothing about. Although the good times, the smites and the affection we have for each other are real, I can still feel the barriers between us. I can trust Mister for his intelligence, for that he will not do harm to me, but there is something missing. The idea that he cannot be in my future plans is a solid evidence.

And as I accept this idea and feel more prepared for it to come, the barrier becomes greater. In subconscious, I know I cannot set my heart on him. The practice to hold on your feelings from someone does not feel good. By the more often I do it, I feel more distanced from Mister.

I always feel like I explode too much of myself to Mister, while I know too little about him. He is a man in my life, but do I mean anything to him?

I keep questioning myself, ‘How much longer can I handle this? And for how much longer will I stay?’. 

Heart broken when I got my results...

A - Mathematics
A - Physics
B - Chemistry
B - Biology


I don't care about the grades as long as I meet my university offer (AAA). But I failed. All these hopes and plans just vanished for a sudden. I kept asking myself, 'What's the point?'. For the past 2 years, my goal is to 'stay in London', and now I have to leave for Warwick, far away to where I truly want to be.

Have been crying for days and nights.... and slowly absorbing the fact that I have to do this. Overall, it isn't that bad... but the thought of not being able to live in the same city as Mister really hurts. Although I don't see him that often, I still wish to be closer to him, location-wise. I am also scared that I cannot resist the attention from other men if I am far away from him.

Still cannot believe it's almost 2 years since I meet Mister, and we are still seeing each other. I cannot be grateful enough to all the support from Mister. He drove down to my house on the result day, just to give me a big hug. Then we discuss all the possible options during lunch, drove back to town and comfort me in his arms.

He is my safe haven.

My A-level is done, all over and I survive

I could not be any happier. It is a strange feeling though, that you can sit down and need not to do anything without feeling guilty. Mister sent me flowers and chocolates to get me through the exams and revisions, that is very sweet of him. He balances out the annoyance from my parents, spamming texts to ask me irrelevant questions, not realizing it's one of the most important exams in their daughter's life.

But that's it. It's all over now.

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