Something's wrong

  As you notice, I've been in this mood swing lately. When I sit down in a cafe today, and really think about what is going on with me.

 The thought of ending the relationship is getting stronger than ever. I can sense something is wrong, with Mister or it might just simply with me. I don't know.

  Although  I have always feeling insecure, I am always good at coping with them. I can always pull myself together and put up with it. But for this time, I feel like I can't handle this. I don't see why I should put myself in this anymore.

  When there is a problem, you can either:

Accept it
Change it
Leave it

  But I don't want leave and I can't change anything. I wish this is just another emotion cycle and I can manage to accept it as I have always done.

  As I was thinking all these, I realised I have forgotten something really important. THE PILLS!

  I have been taking Cerazette for the past 2 years. Recently I went back to Hong Kong for 3 weeks, so I have been on and off taking the pills. And as I come back to the UK, the routine has returned back to usual. Bare that in mind, the depression side-effects are very common in women who take this kind of contraceptive pills. The fluctuation in hormone levels can be a huge factor contributing to my recent mood swings. And that will make so much more sense now!

  But of course, Mister is a big trigger....

  If this is getting worse, I think I will need to cut off the pills or talk to a counsellor. I have heard that the depression can be severe from a lot of women. Wish I will get back to normal, as the hormones level is stabilised.

 

As time goes by, I notice the distance between me and Mister is more tangible. Do I actually love him? I mean, how it will be possible that I’m in love with someone I know nothing about. Although the good times, the smites and the affection we have for each other are real, I can still feel the barriers between us. I can trust Mister for his intelligence, for that he will not do harm to me, but there is something missing. The idea that he cannot be in my future plans is a solid evidence.

And as I accept this idea and feel more prepared for it to come, the barrier becomes greater. In subconscious, I know I cannot set my heart on him. The practice to hold on your feelings from someone does not feel good. By the more often I do it, I feel more distanced from Mister.

I always feel like I explode too much of myself to Mister, while I know too little about him. He is a man in my life, but do I mean anything to him?

I keep questioning myself, ‘How much longer can I handle this? And for how much longer will I stay?’. 

Heart broken when I got my results...

A - Mathematics
A - Physics
B - Chemistry
B - Biology


I don't care about the grades as long as I meet my university offer (AAA). But I failed. All these hopes and plans just vanished for a sudden. I kept asking myself, 'What's the point?'. For the past 2 years, my goal is to 'stay in London', and now I have to leave for Warwick, far away to where I truly want to be.

Have been crying for days and nights.... and slowly absorbing the fact that I have to do this. Overall, it isn't that bad... but the thought of not being able to live in the same city as Mister really hurts. Although I don't see him that often, I still wish to be closer to him, location-wise. I am also scared that I cannot resist the attention from other men if I am far away from him.

Still cannot believe it's almost 2 years since I meet Mister, and we are still seeing each other. I cannot be grateful enough to all the support from Mister. He drove down to my house on the result day, just to give me a big hug. Then we discuss all the possible options during lunch, drove back to town and comfort me in his arms.

He is my safe haven.

My A-level is done, all over and I survive

I could not be any happier. It is a strange feeling though, that you can sit down and need not to do anything without feeling guilty. Mister sent me flowers and chocolates to get me through the exams and revisions, that is very sweet of him. He balances out the annoyance from my parents, spamming texts to ask me irrelevant questions, not realizing it's one of the most important exams in their daughter's life.

But that's it. It's all over now.

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Recently I spoke to my one and only friend who knows I am a Sugarbaby. He is working in the state, letting him know is not a threat to me. We haven't talk to each other for a long while, this means during this period of time I haven't talked to anyone about Mister. So when I finally get to do it, I purge all my thoughts out.

My friend is neither approved or disaproved for where I am standing. But I don't think he has that much of experience or understanding to this sort of things. He makes a point that, whatever is going on now, isn't what I truly want. Duhhh.

Of course it's not. That's why I am here. I don't see Mister will do me any harm so far, well, a little maybe, like thinking over things I shouldn't be thinking at this age. BUT the best thing about being young is things just can't go too wrong if you don't intend to. I know what I am doing. When certain bells ring, I will do what needs to be done.

And I do agree with my friend that I might have exaggerated the position of Mister in my life. That's normal, because I am lonely with not much friends and no family around. But it'll change very soon. Which something that I worry about.

There will be one day. After this day, I and Mister perhaps will not see each other in our life again. And perhaps by that time, none of us would care. How strange is that?

Lovely Easter Break in Jersey

  Mister and I spent two days as an Easter break in Jersey last Monday. Walking around the town and watch our first movie together, 'Noah' that is. We almost fell asleep, but keeping each other up by kisses here and there.

  For the 2nd day, I wander around the beach side while Mister had his meetings. I enjoy the fact that he wasn't right next to me, but expecting to see him very soon. This type of togetherness is unique. I guess I am quite used to the intimacy between us now, I hold his hands in public or lean on him more often.

  I have been thinking a lot of things lately, almost like over-thinking. Thing I wouldn't think about when I was not that attached with Mister. A sense of jealousy arise, but I wouldn't let it grow. Jealousy is such an evil thing, with the presence of your imagination, it can take over your mind completely. What I do is take a deep breathe, telling myself that thinking this way won't make myself a better person or feeling better. It works most of the time.

  Looking forward to summer, I might spend a month working and another month enroll some course. Either culinary arts or Gemmology foundation (which I prefer more, but so expensive!), I would be very happy. And do a bit of travelling maybe?

"There are no rules. We can make them up to suit our needs.  I am not set on specific allowance, but there has to be a connection.  A monthly allowance is a valuation of my self-worth for offering the best of me towards my Sugar Daddy. I do so without jealousy, selfishness, drama, or the demand of his time.  It is also compensation of my valuable time that I’m investing for someone, while knowing from the start that there will never be a serious future.

I am open to anything that is fun, exciting, pleasure filled, and drama free.  However, I cannot be bought.  If there is NO chemistry this will NOT work for either of us!  I am a very physical person and am looking for that to be part of the relationship, but also like a man that can dazzle me with intellect and experience.  I am looking for a partner in crime who loves creating ADVENTURES! "

If this defines what is an ideal arrangement between a SB and a SD, I suppose I am part of it now.

Considering all major factors, having an arrangement seems to work as the best way for me. I know I am too busy to have a traditional date or relationship right now. And honestly, I do not want more pressure coming from another person. It is good to feel loved, pampered, and at the same time, you are having control in your life without having to put another person into account. This do not mean me and Mister are not caring for each other. Maybe the caring just does not involve in everyday-life details, but you know there is an intelligent man right behind you if a crisis comes to you.

Next year can be a challenge though. I will have more time, being part of a bigger community. I guess it might be quite tempting to enter something normal for the first time. But will I?