Emotional Available

"Emotional Available"

How many times my life have been troubled by this phase?

I'm just curling up on my sofa, playing depressed today. It takes courage to do the DTR talk, and I think I have done a great job on perfectly stating what I want, why I'm doing this and the ball has thrown to the other person to tell me what he has in mind.

I'm just glad that the bell has rang after I have purchased few Christmas presents for this guy that I have been seeing for months without knowing if he's seeing someone else or simply if he is "emotionally available". And now I'm just slowly accepting that he is not 'there' with me. If this is the past Chrissie, she would probably give it another few months and blurt out 'I love you' before she starts pushing for an answer, or historically she never did.

I have played couple with many people in my life. Some worked out and some didn't, they mostly didn't. And what I have learnt is, either the person is available or not, the not-knowing in the long term hurt myself and the quality in the relationship. Despite the success with Mister, I wish I knew that he loved me earlier. By the time that I know he actually loves me, it was already too late. Too late that I don't see him as a potential partner, too late that my heart was already divided into half and I wasn't fully engaged with the relationship as my mechanism to avoid disappointment. 

Now I still follow my heart to wherever it takes me. I am just a little bit more conscious and in control, not passively waiting for 'one day he will realise how lucky he is'. I guess this is part of growing up. And no matter what I get from Frank in response, I won't regret it. I am so so so proud of myself of being able to address my feelings...