MAY UPDATES

Exam time again, four out of six exam done and two more to go.

But the thought of finishing my exams doesn't excite me much, summer is coming, which means I am going home very soon, in less than a month. I don't like the thought of it.

Because I will miss Mister a lot. Just like I am now. But I am hoping the presence of my family will make me feel better. 

It is so nice to have him around for the past 4 days. His wife and kids were away, so I can finally fell asleep at night and woke up in his arms in the morning. It is an exam de-stress treat.

The most difficult part I found is always the detachment, especially after two and a half years, constantly repeating the process. I am a human, a woman, after all. The process never gets easier in time, because I feel more loved and appreciate the every single moment I had with Mister after each detachment. 

I guess I am just going to let all my emotions to purge out as they hit me tonight. It hurts but I will be fine. 

I have this feeling that I might let my parents know what is going on for these years when I get home. They are quite open up to things. But my main concern is they will worry about me, a lot. And there are nothing much they can do about me. 

Will it be a disappointment to them? Sometimes I feel like I should be more shameful for the affairs than I actually did. But Infidelity, we all know they are there, right under our nose, but we still picture the ideal, loving and caring images about marriage or family. And when the reality doesn't go quite the way we wish, whoever fails to have the 'perfect' marriage becomes a loser. What is wrong with us?

You know what you want and I don't, but that's OK because I am still young

There are so many things that I don't understand.


Why can't people just love each other as they were for the rest of their life? Things will be so much easier for us.

Fall back into their places

Now that probably you have landed, back to your loving home with the three kids. 

Kisses from your wife when you get to the door porch, 

as you have been away for two weeks. She misses you.

Everything just fall back into their places, like nothing ever happened. At least you have to act like you haven't been with your mistress for this business trip.

And here I am, a glass in my hand and working on my system dynamics and laplace transform problems. 

I am not going to cry, because I know I deserve better overall. 

But I still can't help to pour myself glass after glass.

Knowing the fact that I, as a woman, will spend the rest of my life trying not to be in the same situation as your wife. 

If it still happens to be, at least I know it's never easy to be the other woman. And perhaps I will be more forgiving.

Being a woman is tougher than I ever thought.

The Other Woman

The other woman has time to manicure her nails

The other woman is perfect where her rival fails

And she's never seen with pin curls in her hair, anywhere.

The other woman enchants her clothes with French perfume

The other woman keeps fresh cut flowers in each room

There are never toys that's scattered everywhere

And when her old man comes to call

He finds her waiting like a lonesome queen

'Cause to be by her side

It's such a change from old routine

But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep

The other woman will never have his love to keep

And as the years go by the other woman

Will spend her life alone

Alone

Alone

I don't feel guilty, just sorry.

It still hasn't reached a point that I know I can't love Mister for more. It just keeps growing.

I know he feels more or less the same too. There is no way I can deny how great it is to hear 'I love you' slipping out of his mouth, just that I feel sorry for him. It is quite a sad thing that you are with someone, but all you do is thinking about the other person and wishing he/she is here. I have been there before, I know how it feels. 

Especially this person right next to you is someone whom you have once loved so deeply that you decided to build a family together. It isn't something you can change your mind, too many consequences, too many boundaries, too much to handle. What is the reason behind? OR you never need a reason for extramarital sex?

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Term ends this week, heading to Seattle this Thursday, then ski trip in France, then revision, then off to Chengdu with Mister :-) :-):-)

But before that, one essay and one lab report due in Wednesday. URGH

SPOTTED my friend on the SA site

Although I am not on the SeekingArrangement site anymore, I have still kept my stalking account. And once in a while, I search and browse, seeing what is going on. 

So when I see this profile called 'Young heir. Looking for young girl my age, 19' , I can't help but clicked in. Reading half-way through his profile, I am almost certain this person is one of friends in my course. In fact, I just spent a week in Verbier with him in the New Year.

Hmm... Interesting, I thought. 

This also means I can't put my profile up again... Guaranteed.

Winter Updates

Back from the ski trip, Mister is not here this time. I had a great time with friends, but I would rather have a night in with Mister than going out every night, just like what we did in Val Thorens.

It is interesting how you think about someone at the beginning, and it turns out into something else totally different. I have always thought it will only be a short term thing between me and Mister, but now I can see something more can possibly happen. I am turning 20 next year, so I said to Mister, 'Are you still going to be there?'. He answered with an unbelievable face, and an 'Of course!'. I said, 'Nah, I just think you may ditch me once I get to 21 or so, younger, prettier girls out there.'. And he said, 'I think women are the best at their 24/25, and you will be amazing at that time.'

It sounds ideal to me. If things end at my 24, I still have a good 2-years to meet someone new, and if things go well, I can get married at 26/27, and become a mother before 30 as I have always planned. I will invite Mister to my wedding, he has to be there. He is one of the rare ones that really care about me apart from my family. We are lucky.

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[Poetic Mode ON]

In fact, I don't believe in luck.

But I do believe we have known each other since forever, though. When the Big Bang happened, all the atoms in the universe, they were all collided together into one little dot that exploded outwards. So my atoms and your atoms were certainly together then, and who knows, probably smashed together several times in the last 13.7 billion years.

My atoms have known your atoms and they have always known your atoms.

My atoms have always loved your atoms.

7 Weeks of Freshers

It has been a while since I started university, and life has never been so good before. I've met a lot of interesting people, made a lot of good friends and have a lot of fun.

Me and Mister are still seeing each other fairly often. He came up twice and I went down to London once. He said he is getting a bit jealous, but I think we are getting the balance here. At least for now, I am not the only one that feel insecure in this relationship, which makes me feel much more secure than the past. Oddly enough.

I always know that I am an attractive person. But in here, I am like a goddess now. I said that to Mister in return of a 'Don't get big-headed'. There are really nice guys around, and I won't avoid dating them. But for now, rushing into anything is the least thing I wanted. (very difficult to control on that)

To be honest, I have already had the best. Mister has all the qualities I would look for in a man, just that he can't be mine, officially. There is an official blank space there, waiting for someone to fill it in. But for when, who knows?